onsdag 27 januari 2016

Everything I do feels wrong? jadri

So I've felt like all I do is wrong recently, and selfvictimized alot and shit like
alot of bad things has happend recently and I wonder why me, get frustrated, angry, and ofcourse try to fix the problem.
And I dont give up, even if it feels like fkn hell and I just want to go and hide somewhere and sleep sometimes, but I dont give up.
Even now, when sometimes it feels like I'm doing wrong things all the time because adults yell at me and shit, no one seems to understand me and that shit.

But when you feel like you are wrong or have done something wrong, there is nothing to do but apologize and try to do the best thing for you and the people around you.
I have done my best, and I have made mistakes and stressed out and shit but you know what, I'm not perfect and I'm all alone here in this fkn country without anyone but me in the end, so hell yeah i dont think it's wrong to take care of myself and shit.
Everyone are selfish, and sometimes it can be a bad thing but something a good thing,
what I mean is that
How much I even wish for it to be 'right' and 'wrong' there is no such thing
all there is are your own feelings, other peoples feelings, and rules.

How much I wish for things to be as easy as 'black' and 'white' and 'right' wrong' and 'god' 'no god' you know like there is no real answer to those things
and we live too short to wonder about shit whether its right or wrong or if theres a god or not and then forget the actual living part you know
Thats why, after many and long times of thinking, I've come to realize to the best way is to stop thinking about things that are impossible to have answers to.
Just fuck that and go apologize if someone feels upset and then go on.
Life is about facing problems, apologizing, thanking, doing your best to make you and others feel ok, and have fun. There might be no god or reason to it, but we have to treasure the time we have here right now. Not waste it on questions without answers and who make you feel bad.
Bye to that
amen lmao

måndag 25 januari 2016

Japan Exchange student confessions - Cultural Differences - Masterpost 1

Now Im gong to talk about differences between japanese culture and my own bicultural persona.
Since I came to Japan, I've been exposed to many different perspectives and way of lives, but none of them were as big as the ones I've come across now.
My hostfamilies before this one I currently have, were so open and accepting of my own culture and philosophy. They tried to understand and thus learn from me, as I tried to understand and learn from them in a mutual respect and love. This was how I thought it was supposed to be to fully understand and learn to live with each other and love each other mutually.
But now it is wrong.

Now when I change hostfamily, I immediately felt that something was wrong, as I've written in my previous posts.
But I want to explain it further and more in depth.
My current hostmother wants me to change my own self, my own culture, personality, way of thinking and integrity. That's one of the reasons I constantly feel uncomfortable around her, because whenever she speaks to me it's always about how she wants me to be and not how I am now.
That is to destroy me so I can be the way she wants to.
Its scary as fuck and I'm extremely happy that I'm going to change hostfamilies soon. Also something I had to do all by myself because the organization I'm going with wouldn't let me nor wanted me too. They are also too slow.
So I decided to take it in my own hands and talked to various friends in school about wanting a new hostfamily, and when I found the perfect match I wrote a letter myself in japanese, gave it to my future hostsister so she could give it to her family.
I didn't do it all alone though, I have two amazing teachers in this school that helped me through it all. I'm so incredibly thankful for them to understand me and help me, because they are everything I have and were the last one I could hope for. I don't want to imagine how it would be if I hadn't had them by my side. But what I want to say is that in the end I had to do everything by myself and that diBec ( or JAC ) sucks ass and doesnt want to understand their exchange students or help the, they just want them to become like the japanese. And that's so wrong because we're not.

Exchange is not about becoming another person or 100% become as the ideal culture-following person, it is to keep your own countries culture and ideas and show them to your exchange country, while learning about the one you're in right now.
But that's what my japanese organization and current hostfamily wants me to do.
And it's hurting me, because I don't want to become like them. I want to be here to learn about them, see, observe, take notes, but if I came here for that reason my hostmothers said that she will call diBec and they will send me home. And that fucks me up.

Some examples my hostmother wants me to do is to go to school, even though I am sick and have a cold, because that's what japanese people do.
She knows that school doesnt matter to me and that I should focus on becoming better so I can do my best culturally and socially instead of academically, since I'm going to repeat a year when I come back. But yet she insist on pushing her own values on mine, even if they don't make any sense to me.
She also said that I shouldn't have met my friend yesterday because I was sick, but before that she told me japanese culture is that if you make a promise you should always keep it, and I made a promise with my friend to meet her, just like she told me japanese people do,
but then she suddenly changed and said that because I was a foreigner I always break promises so it's okay if I would have broken that yesterday.
Japanese people also do it, and I should prioritize school instead of friends.
 I know about prioritizing because I do it in Sweden all the time, but now I'm not here for school I'm here to make friends and cultural exchange, so while I'm here my priorities have changed. School doesnt matter to me that much, I told her. But she then said that because my school took me in I should be grateful, and I am, but I don't think the best way to return the favor to them is to stress out myself. I am always doing my best, and trying to, but I can't be perfect either and I need rest too, I'm not a robot, I'm not japanese,
 I'm a exchange student.

lördag 23 januari 2016

Hostfamily from hell continuing

I'm happy about changing hostfam but its one week left until i do, so i will have to go through 9 more days in this hell hole
Like today, I'm so fkn sick n shit but my hostbro is takin a test and my hostmum was like lessall go together !! And then go to ikea because its close
So now im stuck here with my scary ass evil hostmother who takes every chance to rant and yell on me, tell lies about me and trashtalk me and foreigners generally lol fun times
Sittin here trying to not listen to their shit or to be seen like she will talk about me trying to make me feel bad about myself

Hate her so much but I cant do shit about her and i hate it

So much hate tho im a lovely person so i need to be more positive but let me rant here for a sec because no one else listens or understands

And in also very stressed about choosing school which one to go to when i come back to sweden and idkdodkidkdidkd

Hate my hostmum love my friends teachers and swedish family <3 its gonna be alright but right now everything is hell lol bye

torsdag 21 januari 2016

Bad times to maybe better ones

As my last blogposts things have been so sososoososo difficult and I'm been having a hard time these past few weeks.
Ever since I changed my hostfamily from my second one I've been feeling sad and down, especially when I'm with my current hostmother.
In the beginning everything was nice, and I had been a bit more used to having new hostfamilies and become more flexible.
So I was very ready for whatever family I got, or so I thought.

There werent any bad feelings in the beginning, expect for a small feeling of uncomfortableness.
I thought it was normal, but I had never felt in in another hostfamily.
Have to be honest, right from when I met my hostmum I thought something was wrong.
She was very nice, gave me all kinds of stuff, like food, movies, time, space, my own room and you know basic shit that you should be grateful for when you are in an exchange year.

But it was so deeply greatly boring. We did almost nothing. And they were so boring personality wise to, we just didnt fit and that is very wierd for me because I fit with almost everyone.
But there was something off with this family too.

It consists of a hostmother and her son, my hostbrother, same age and school.
The hostmother is a neuro-linguistic professor, and I love everything about the brain and also have an interest in languages (duh).
So I was so excited to meet her and kind of created this image of her too. (Not good, never do that)

So no surprise she was totally different from what I imagined, because that always happends.
I wanted to leave after one week. Mostly because all I did was watching movies and shit in my room, and they were busy, like the hostbrother always studies, and I couldnt really talk to the hostmother because I was a bit scared of her, because of her personality.
I tried to become as good friends with her as possible, and do my best to change myself as she told me, but it was no good.

I just felt extremely uncomfortable with her, whenever I was with her, and that was something I couldnt change no matter how much I tried.
And when I talked about it to my exchange organisation here in Japan, so called DiBec or JAC, they literally did not believe a word I say or even understood or accepted my words (note that i was crying for 2 hours over there because I got so emotional and frustrated)
All they said was to "keep on trying" and be with her. Talk more. Get her understand.
But whenever I tried to talk to my hostmother about me she wouldnt listen and even got angry once. Like "You only care about yourself, this isnt your exchange, many other people are involved."
As if I didnt know that, but it was because of MY exchange that other people were involved, and I didnt go on exchange to please others while feeling like shit myself.
There is a limit to how much you can do and be for the sake of others before destroying yourself.
And I think I'm important because in the end, I'm the only one I have.

So she said alot of shit that night, because DiBec was nice enough to call my hostmother and tell her that I had been crying and said that I wanted to change hostfamily,
and some of the shit she said really hurt.
Like, "Go back to your country if you can be as the japanese/follow japanese rules"
which is bullshit because I havent broken any rules at all. I just wanted to change hostfamily without telling her so I didnt hurt her feelings.
So yeah lot of shit happend but feels like it's gonna get better now.

I have been in this hostfam for about 6 weeks now, and I finally can go to another one.
This one I asked personally in a letter, and I also talked and knew them before all this, because the daughter (my friend) likes the same shit and is so sosososo cute.
The hostfamily also likes Sweden alot so I'm so excited.

I have the best friends and teachers and swedish family who always supports me.
Thank you, we did it.

tisdag 12 januari 2016

Ok now Im calm(er)

I think I wrote that rant shit two days ago and now im calm
and have calmly though about it
and i want to change hostfamilies
But it feels like its so hard to explain why???
But at the same time whats most important is my feelings so those are what matters and should be enough to make me change hostfam. but idk this organization that im going with is bad so i dont have much trust left for them. All im gonna say is that im not givin up, i dont want to be in this family anymore, the mum is scaring me and very manipulative, the hostbrother is boring and a bit wierd, and we just dont match up. i hate being there. Im not here to be in some psychos house, sorry but im just being honest. I kinda feel sorry for them too but how they are is not my problem all I feel is that we cant live together anymore or Im gonna explode or get depressed but im to angry to be depressed so explode.
I literally flee to my room every chance I have because I feel so uncomfortable talking to them and I dont like them at all. I tried so hard in the beginning to not do that and get to known them better but the more I hang with them the worse i get lmao. not fun and nice and I honestly deserve better especially after the hostfamily before that. they were nice but boring af and i hated two of the members there but loved the mum so it was ok and only for 2 months so ofcourse i could pull it through. But lmao if im gonna have a not nice hostfam again for 3 months this time you can bet on it that im not going through that shit again. and this hostfam is worse.
Theyre not mean or anthing  though (only a bit) they take me out on things and asks about sweden sometimes and give me food and sweets and rents movies that i can watch in my room, but its them and their personalities i dont want to be with. also the mum is like i said, nice but scary and manipulative as fck so bye. I mean I cant even talk to my family in sweden because the hostmum is like, its better if you dont talk to them and to me instead, so stop talking to ur swedish fam and friends. Im like u serious,... we talked about you actually,,,,,. bye

other than that I feel so much stronger in myself, and hapy because i keep finding more and more cool and supernice friends that make me so happy. I get so amazed over how friendly and incredibly nice and sweet japanese people can be. Not all of them tho not at all, but so many are on different levels than in Sweden for example. very inspirational.

and its also ok to be revolting as long as you feel nice bye

söndag 10 januari 2016

burn book jason ranting

I have to do this im so angry now at everything
please dont take this seriosly but kinda do because im so angry

hate hate htatethahteahhtaehehhetahet
my new hostfamily
who does my hostmum think she is
im not putting up with this shit anymore
im not going to act like im thankful for shit i didnt even ask for
im tired of acting like im happy and sweet and nice when i want to burn the whole house up
im so so so sos angry sososoos upset
and my friends hostfamiky wont let my friend go with me to the concert
i fully understand why and i do dododo respect that but im fkn crying i really really wanted to go and i dont wanna go alone
dont even think it would be fun if i went alone either
should i go anyway
im so saaaaaaaaaaaaaad i hate theeeeeeeeeem but i do understand that she cant go but im so sad angry upset want to stab my pillow
and i want to change hostfamilies noooooooooooow god pleaseeeeeee
it was such a good day too but now everything fucked up
bye gon cry myself to sleep
Blog Template by Delicious Design Studio