torsdag 21 januari 2016

Bad times to maybe better ones

As my last blogposts things have been so sososoososo difficult and I'm been having a hard time these past few weeks.
Ever since I changed my hostfamily from my second one I've been feeling sad and down, especially when I'm with my current hostmother.
In the beginning everything was nice, and I had been a bit more used to having new hostfamilies and become more flexible.
So I was very ready for whatever family I got, or so I thought.

There werent any bad feelings in the beginning, expect for a small feeling of uncomfortableness.
I thought it was normal, but I had never felt in in another hostfamily.
Have to be honest, right from when I met my hostmum I thought something was wrong.
She was very nice, gave me all kinds of stuff, like food, movies, time, space, my own room and you know basic shit that you should be grateful for when you are in an exchange year.

But it was so deeply greatly boring. We did almost nothing. And they were so boring personality wise to, we just didnt fit and that is very wierd for me because I fit with almost everyone.
But there was something off with this family too.

It consists of a hostmother and her son, my hostbrother, same age and school.
The hostmother is a neuro-linguistic professor, and I love everything about the brain and also have an interest in languages (duh).
So I was so excited to meet her and kind of created this image of her too. (Not good, never do that)

So no surprise she was totally different from what I imagined, because that always happends.
I wanted to leave after one week. Mostly because all I did was watching movies and shit in my room, and they were busy, like the hostbrother always studies, and I couldnt really talk to the hostmother because I was a bit scared of her, because of her personality.
I tried to become as good friends with her as possible, and do my best to change myself as she told me, but it was no good.

I just felt extremely uncomfortable with her, whenever I was with her, and that was something I couldnt change no matter how much I tried.
And when I talked about it to my exchange organisation here in Japan, so called DiBec or JAC, they literally did not believe a word I say or even understood or accepted my words (note that i was crying for 2 hours over there because I got so emotional and frustrated)
All they said was to "keep on trying" and be with her. Talk more. Get her understand.
But whenever I tried to talk to my hostmother about me she wouldnt listen and even got angry once. Like "You only care about yourself, this isnt your exchange, many other people are involved."
As if I didnt know that, but it was because of MY exchange that other people were involved, and I didnt go on exchange to please others while feeling like shit myself.
There is a limit to how much you can do and be for the sake of others before destroying yourself.
And I think I'm important because in the end, I'm the only one I have.

So she said alot of shit that night, because DiBec was nice enough to call my hostmother and tell her that I had been crying and said that I wanted to change hostfamily,
and some of the shit she said really hurt.
Like, "Go back to your country if you can be as the japanese/follow japanese rules"
which is bullshit because I havent broken any rules at all. I just wanted to change hostfamily without telling her so I didnt hurt her feelings.
So yeah lot of shit happend but feels like it's gonna get better now.

I have been in this hostfam for about 6 weeks now, and I finally can go to another one.
This one I asked personally in a letter, and I also talked and knew them before all this, because the daughter (my friend) likes the same shit and is so sosososo cute.
The hostfamily also likes Sweden alot so I'm so excited.

I have the best friends and teachers and swedish family who always supports me.
Thank you, we did it.

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